


I Loved You With All My Heart.

by justsomeitgirl



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M, Felicity Smoak's Goodbye, I Made Myself Cry, Letters to Oliver, jbuffyangel challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-11
Updated: 2015-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-07 01:28:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3155789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justsomeitgirl/pseuds/justsomeitgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For a whole year since it had happened, Felicity had written Oliver every single day. In hope maybe, just maybe, he'd write her back. In hope she wouldn't have to let him go. But now that everything in her life was telling her to move on, what would she do?</p><p>Would Felicity's 365th letter to Oliver be her last?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Loved You With All My Heart.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jbuffyangel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbuffyangel/gifts).



> Written for jbuffyangel's contest, Letters to Oliver.
> 
> This is an AU Fanfic. Oliver really is dead and Ray is just an ordinary billionaire with no plans of becoming a superhero.
> 
> FYI I don't usually write my whole fics in Italic. In fact, the only things I do write in Italic are thoughts, dreams or, in this case, letters. Just thought I'd let you know I'm not an Italic freak and it really has a purpose, so... Yeah. I'm glad we've cleared that up.
> 
> To any of you who just can't stand Ray, I'm so sorry. I swear to you, it was as painful for me to write it as it will probably be for you to read it, but I just had to. You'll know what I'm talking about in a second.
> 
> English is not my first language and there was no beta, so I appologize in advance for any mistakes.

_Dear Oliver,_

_A year has gone by so fast, too fast, and I just realized this is my 365th letter to you. You’d think there isn’t that much to say by now, and you’re probably right. The truth is I thought if I stopped writing you, then I would have to force myself to forget you and that would be too painful. Maybe I was wrong._

_Thea is okay. She’s doing her best. We all are. She returned to Corto Maltese because she couldn’t stay here anymore knowing her brother sacrificed his own life so she could live hers. She misses you, Oliver. She doesn’t talk much about it, but I know she does. I know what it’s like to miss someone. To hear someone knock at your door and have your heart filled with hope that maybe, just maybe, this time it’ll be them when you open it… But you don’t have to worry about her. We will take care of your little sister, just like you would if you were here. She’s a strong woman, you know? She’ll get over this. She’ll survive. Just like you did._

_Diggle pretends like everything is going to be just fine because he doesn’t want me to give up on happiness, but I know he’s broken inside. The way he holds Sara’s hand as she gives her first uncertain steps, he’s afraid she’ll just slip away through his fingers, just like you did, just like Andy did. He and Lyla come to visit me sometimes but something’s just off, as if we’re all too far gone to come back. I can still remember his face, sitting on my couch with his empty eyes and a cup of tea in his hands, and I know he was really thinking about you, wondering why you left us without a proper goodbye, blaming himself for not following you that night. Still, he’ll be fine, in time. He’s got Lyla and little Sara, he’s got his new job at A.R.G.U.S. and we both know he always stays on task. Even if his friends get shot, he keeps on fighting. And even when he says he’s fine, we’re here for him just the same._

_Me, I just… I miss you, Oliver. For the past year those three words you said to me in the foundry that night have been echoing in my head every single day and I convinced myself I wouldn’t regret not saying them back, because you’d come back to me. You’d know I felt it too. You’d know the only reason I let you go, was because I believed in you. I always did. But the truth is you didn’t, and now I’m left with memories. Memories of what we used to be, memories of the dreams I had and wishes I made for our future that vanished with you when you left. And now that I finally accepted that’s all they’ll ever be, memories, there’s still no regret. I know you knew I loved you. I loved you with all my heart, Oliver Queen. I loved you selflessly, I loved you unconditionally, I loved you for the hero you were, I loved you like you needed to be loved. I loved you to the point of letting you go, and I would have loved you every single day for the rest of our lives. I would’ve died for you, Oliver. But you didn’t let me, nor did you even consider it for once. All you ever wanted was for me to be happy, but happy was wherever you were, and now there’s no you. We both knew I had to move on. I owed it to you, to myself. So I did._

_Ray proposed to me yesterday. It happened in an elegant, classic restaurant and there was music, candles and a marvellous diamond ring I knew would fit perfectly on my finger. It was beautiful and lovely and just as any woman could’ve dreamt of._

_We have been together for almost six months now, and it’s good. He makes me happy and gives me everything I could ever wish for. Yes, the wedding proposal was a little rushed, but that’s just Ray. He knows what he wants and fights for it. I can honestly see a future with him, a family and kids walking around in the garden while we watch them from the window. He is a lot like you, you know? I guess I do have a type, after all. He’s thoughtful and sweet and selfless and he was there for me when the pain was just too much to handle. He makes me feel safe, like I don’t have to worry about him coming back to me every night, and I know he’d do anything for me. It feels like a breath of fresh air and I desperately needed that. I love him very much. I just don’t love him like I loved you._

_He’s not you, Oliver, as much as I unconsciously try to pretend otherwise. He loves me and he doesn’t push me away. He doesn’t hide beneath a hood when things get tough. He would never put himself in danger if that meant he might not make it, because he knows I need him here with me. But he didn’t save me from being killed by a crazy guy with a syringe either, even if that meant breaking his “no kill” vow. He doesn’t love me to the point of not being with me just to prevent me from getting hurt. He doesn’t grab my shoulder when I'm afraid, neither does he look at me like you used to. I’m not his “girl”, I’m his fiancé. That should be a good thing, right? I should be happy._

_Well, the truth is I felt like I was my best self when I was around you. I felt like I could do anything, be anything. The truth is loving you, I felt like a hero. Your love made me want to be better, to help you help others, to be strong. I’m not going to lie, it was complicated. We were always complicated. It was painful and heart-breaking and it almost drove me crazy sometimes, but it was real. It was a love that consumed me; a fire of passion shining so bright, nothing could ever put it down. I was your something to live for, and you were mine. And then, just like that, you were gone, and I was left with a broken heart and meaningless days._

_Until Ray. It’s not perfect, and he’s not you, but it’s something. And it’s something that makes me happy. I’m saying yes, Oliver. I’m marrying him. I have to. Because if I keep holding on to you, I will never truly live, I will only be surviving. And I owe it to you to live. To build a family, to have children and grow old with someone. I wanted us to have that together, but that was taken from me, and now I must start fighting for it again._

_That’s why this is my last letter to you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for letting you go, I’m sorry you didn’t come back to me. I’m sorry, Oliver, but I can’t love you anymore. I have to let you go. I have to start over. I have to be happy, for both of us. We deserve that, you deserve that._

_I loved you with all my heart, Oliver Queen, but it’s over now. I hope, wherever you are, you are smiling right now because you know your last wish will be fulfilled. I will be happy, I promise you._

_I will never forget about you, about us. Thank you, Oliver. For showing me what living life was really about._

_Yours truly,_

_Felicity._


End file.
